Sepulchral Calm
POSTED AT 06:45 PM

My grandfather passed away on Monday.

I've taken leave till Friday to go back to Malaysia to pay my last respects. Now my father and I are just waiting at home for a few relatives to fly in from their respective foreign dwellings, before we all take the hour plus drive up North; my Mom has already gone ahead without us.

It's a terrible feeling to be left here. We were supposed to have gone in the morning already but a change of plans means we're waiting for some more people. My Mom suggested we wait till tomorrow morning before coming up to avoid driving at night, but I don't think I could bear to spend another night here like this. I'm fine, but my Mom was quite affected, and I really want to be with her at this time.

My cousin at Yale is rushing all the way back from NY. My Dad offered to fly my brother back as well but he can't make it. Too short notice - it would take him a day at least to get to NY, another day to fly all the way back, and another day to drive up.

I also can't help but be a little worried about work. I left during a very hectic period, and with my PS away on course, I just don't feel comfortable leaving everything behind just like that on such short notice and not in the hands of trusted subordinates.

Farewell
POSTED AT 12:38 AM

I wanted to be strong, for the sake of those around me. I did not want to reject my emotions, but I would not allow myself to be overcome by them. When I saw my Uncle - usually and always a pillar of strength for everyone else - break down, my own walls collapsed as well. I could not deny the magnitude of the occasion.

It was a royal send-off - when the band came marching in with full ceremonial dress and trumpets blaring, reality struck home like a cold hammer. The familiar 招牌 which overlooked the shop was draped in white cloth - so plain, so simple, so profound.

For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

All Riled Up And Nowhere to Go
POSTED AT 04:45 AM

It's amazing how excited a whole unit of recruits helplessly stuck in an all-male environment can get when confronted by a group of dancing girls on stage.

We had the Music and Drama Company come down to our camp yesterday for an evening of fun and entertainment. For the soldiers, it was an occasion to mark the end of their initial basic training, a time to make merry and have fun. And, to their credit, they are pretty good and enjoying themselves. They screamed, cheered and whistled the MDC performers on and a considerable group of them even started crowd surfing, moshing and stage diving at one point.

Even the male performers received a warm reception from the crowd. They sang for the crowd, and the crowd sang gamely along with them, tiny voices all roaring together in unision.

We were never this boisterous in my time. And I don't think we had as much fun as they did yesterday.

Anyway, it's my brother's 22nd birthday today - well actually technically speaking it's yesterday, but at least it's still today over at where he is now, so let's all wish him all the best for the new year ahead.

COMMISSION LOH
POSTED AT 10:52 PM





In support of some of my friends, I attended the Commissioning Parade of the 60/05 OCC yesterday. Of course I was no stranger to commissioning parades, but this would be the first time that I was attending as a spectator, and I wanted to enjoy the parade for all of its glory from the stands.

Of course, sitting there at that parade square watching the cadets march in, there was the inevitable reminscence of past memories. It was a bright and sunny afternoon, but I recalled the circumstances surrounding my own parade, when the impending storm threatened to cancel the entire event.

But not to dwell on that, because this is their parade now, their time. All of them looked very smart in their full ceremonial dress, and the drills were executed to perfection. I am sure that they were having the time of their life, for the event stood as the culmination of everything that they had gone through for the past nine months.

One major difference, however, was the absence of the president. In his stead, as the reviewing officer was Dr Vivian Balakrishnan, a man of suitable importance for the occasion, but still unable to measure up to the solemnity and stature of the president of course. It's definitely different, receiving the commission directly from the president in person, as compared to an able substitute.

In any case, I don't think anyone really cared too much. It was a happy occasion, and I was really glad to see so many familiar faces around, people that I haven't seen for quite a while now. I would have loved their company, but it was all over too soon.

Oh Take Me Back to the Start
POSTED AT 04:34 PM

So I'm back to leading a trainee life again. Back to being a cadet. Back to Sunday night book-ins, back to falling in together, back to bunk inspections, back to area cleaning, back to brainless physical punishment, back to a lack of individuality, back to being treated with absolutely no bloody respect.

I wouldn't say I relish it at all. Usually I'm quite up for this kind of challenge, but somehow all the enthusiasm and passion has gone out of me for this one. It's back to morale sapping weekends again; I feel like a recruit again on book-in day awaiting the dreaded long drive to Pasir Ris and the one-and-only fast craft ride to Tekong.

And this has had extremely negative effects on my attitude at the course. I've been quite disappointed with my own performance. During the last few days I've been pretty cynical, critical, surly, rude even. It doesn't help that the conducting staff for the course are all of my colleagues, superiors and even subordinates from my own company. Frankly, I've been behaving with a huge attitude problem. It's time to change that.

Strangely enough, being back in this old routine again of being subjected to strict regimentation has made me miss somebody all over again. I guess this is probably because I led this kind of life for the whole of last year, so they tend to get associated together. I can't quite put my finger on it, and it's unsettling.

Oh well. Come what may.

Tuning In
POSTED AT 04:01 PM

I was in a cab the other day with a friend and I couldn't help eavesdropping on a conversation he was having over the phone. He was talking to one of his female friends, and they were animatedly making plans for the weekend.

Somehow, it struck a deep chord somewhere, and I was very strongly reminded of a time not too long ago when I could have been in his place - when weekend breaks were so cherished as time to be spent with that special someone.

We would spend the whole week planning our activities, and the moment I reached home on a Saturday afternoon I would unpack, shower, and head straight out again. Sunday would be spent in pretty similar fashion, and by time I finally got home on Sunday evening it would be straight to pack and then back to camp again.

It was a routine that I never seemed to tire of; it is a routine that I'd almost forgotten now. And sitting there, in the cab with my friend on the phone next to me, trying to pretend that I wasn't eavesdropping, I suddenly found myself awash in the flood of remembrance.

But their conversation soon took a turn for the worse - my friend couldn't make their schedules match because he had other commitments with his parents that evening. And obviously his friend on the other side was quite upset with that. Before I knew it, the cheery banter had descended into an argument.

The parallels are so uncanny. Reality reflects itself all over again.

Even before the reminiscent glow of nostalgia had faded, I was reminded strongly again of just why I 've come to this stage that I am at now - full circle around and now merely an eavesdropper, a spectator rather than a player on the stage, a shadow on the screen. Yes, I may be awash in the flood of remembrance, but I do not stop to weep for the past.

Sometimes I am grateful for my solitude. It may be tempting to give up again, but it is simply too painful to reacquire.