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POSTED AT 01:21 AM

A terrible week.

While it was all nice and great to start the new year on a festive note and get a long weekend with Monday off, the ensuing four weekdays proved to be quite abysmal. I certainly hope they aren't setting the mood for the rest of the year.

Because of some big function last week, I was tasked to prepare the communications system for the ushering and general adminstration on the day itself. Getting the appropriate walkie talkies to fit the task was a huge headache, mainly because the equipment was all in short supply.

I was all ready to resort to using huge, unwieldy tactical radios rather than handheld WTs when thankfully a friend from another unit did me a favour and loaned me his set. But this also meant that I had to spend one whole morning travelling halfway across the country to get them. And because the loan for the vehicle that brought me there expired early, I had to carry back the radios by hand via public transport. Way to go, SBS. Actually, fine, TIBS.

New appointment, new responsibilities, new pressures. There's a huge obligation to ensure that all classified documents are kept properly, not only for security reasons but more worryingly because checks are being carried out, either already or in the near future. I have a huge problem because there is a cupboard in my office that cannot be locked, and it is stuffed full of all sorts of documents left behind by my predecessor.

Asking for a new cupboard didn't really work, not only because there simpy weren't any, but also because nobody else shared my concern or my sense of urgency. Seeking reassurance from my superior didn't work as well, because he just took the usual 'you better sort it out' stand.

I was all ready to drag out the accursed piles of documents and transfer them all into another cupboard, this time one that could actuall be locked. In the end I salvaged a metal bar from the Company store, jammed the cupboard shut and locked the bar in place, barring access to the cupboard. A simple solution, but if I didn't happen to chance upon it, it would mean a whole lot of redundant menial labour.

I don't know what got into him, but my sgt chose to indulge in a self-declared nights out, and left camp to enjoy a sumptuous dinner outside at the hawker centre. And was caught returning, full and satiated, by none other than my OC. I can almost see that deer-in-the-headlights expression on his face.

I can't decide if I'm more annoyed that he took this kind of liberty, or that he didn't bother to consult me first. If he did at least ask me, I would surely have given the permission. And saved me a lot of trouble now. It's rather disturbing when they cut you out of the loop and step beyond their boundaries make their own decisions.

A little voice in the back of my head screamed at me to thumb him down harshly and throw the book at him. But I didn't. I guess I just couldn't bear to do so. And it's too early to start making enemies. Plus he is after all, under my charge. I have to protect him as well. But I hope I made it clear that I considered this intolerable behavior

I have to conduct a lesson next week for the new soldiers. While I really shouldn't be complaining about this, because this sort of lesson falls right under my responsibility, it is still a bitch to prepare for it.

While I can certainly perform the tasks competently, teaching is a different matter altogether, because there are certain formal procedures or standards to be met. And I'm afraid I've forgotten.

The best for the last? I served my first tour of duty as Duty Officer. And I can foresee many more such duties coming my way for the rest of the year.

So, young, new, innocent, inexperienced, I took up the duty appointment with much reservation. I didn't know a thing about what my roles and responsibilities were, what I was supposed to do, so I thought, I'd sure as hell better find out beforehand. So I called the previous DO the day before to understudy him. And much credit goes to him for providing me with an extremely comprehensive lesson on what I needed to do. I guess it's part of helping out your friends in need?

A simple, uneventful 24 hours would have been much welcomed. Instead, I was rudely shaken out of my reverie just before I was ready to hit the sack. A soldier had fallen ill and needed to be sent to the hospital. Imagine the panic, shock, surprise, etc etc that threatened to run riot in my head when I received the news.

I suppose this is what it's about right? Now you're expected to know everything. And behave appropriately and with pride, honour and integrity at all times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a brighter note, Tuesday is a holiday! I am seriously spending too much time in camp.

And having said that, I will dedicate this to sx, because he will be spending too much time in camp for the next 3 months. If anybody sees him please congratulate him for the great choice that he has made.

POSTED AT 01:38 AM

id says:
Hi, are you asleep downstairs?

bus 11 from holland v to home takes 45 min says:
no

bus 11 from holland v to home takes 45 min says:
...

And I'd thought I'd left it behind
POSTED AT 09:28 PM

An utterly depressing day.

Murmurs of 2003.

Drab
POSTED AT 11:10 PM

My brother's going back to the States tomorrow morning. Winter break's almost over but there's still a week or so left and so he's going over to California for a week to holiday around before heading out to the East Coast and back to school. I've been to California before but he hasn't so it'll be his first time, but that doesn't mean I'm still awfully jealous!!! I really need a holiday.

I'll be going to see him off at the airport tomorrow. Hooray for flexible schedules. If I was still a cadet I'd already be in camp now.

Summer break he won't be coming back, so I don't know when I'll see him next. My mom's trying to get him to come back next winter so hopefully he does, but even if he doesn't I'm sure he'll be having a great time perhaps in Europe or Florida or somewhere like that. I only hope I can have as many opportunities to see the world when my time comes.

When it comes, indeed. My friend Eng Seng's probably got it all down pat to head over to the UK at the end of the year to begin his own adventure. Lucky, lucky him. I have to wait until next year before my turn comes to fly off. But I guess it's also nice to have that gap year to do what I want. And somehow I don't really feel ready to leave this place behind. It always seems so exciting to be going away on holiday or study but we never really consider the idea of leaving everything behind. And I know it can be harder than it seems.

Speaking of leaving everything behind, SX is leaving this thursday for overseas posting. And we won't be seeing him for the next three months. I really can't imagine doing that. I mean ok perhaps I'm not putting things in perspective because overseas study means almost a year or so away from home, but three months away on overseas posting somehow seems a lot harder to do. It's like booking in to camp and getting confined for the next three months. But I'm sure it'll be a hell of an adventure in itself. Can't wait for him to get back and tell us all about it.

I was over at my grandma's place today for my brother to visit my grandma before he goes away for the next ... forever or something. Interestingly enough, she showed me a letter from some distant relatives who have been in contact. It's not too complicated a relationship - basically my father's cousin wrote us a letter, introducing himself and his family. We here in Singapore have never met this branch of our family before, and our sole link to them is my late grandfather, who is the brother of the letter writer's father, and had previously gone back to China to visit these relatives.

I know it's pretty obvious when you think about it, but reality is never so apparent. As a Chinese, obviously my ancestors came from China, but it never really struck home that I have relatives over in China. To me, mainland Chinese are probably as far removed or as foreign as Thai or Japanese people, but of course that's not true, because as evidenced by this letter I have relatives in Mainland China.

Reading the letter, I think, as a Singaporean born and bred here, I am immensely different from my relatives over there. Basic Chinese culture continues to link us, but in terms of paradigm and world view, we are, to use the cliche, worlds apart. And they definitely recognised the fact as well, because in the letter, addressed to my father and all of his siblings, there was one particular line at the end, when my uncle, twice(??) removed, asked for us to tell us more about ourselves and the lives that we were living over here in Singapore. And he remarked that there was so much he didn't know; he didn't even know whether we understood Mandarin, and asked for us to find friends to translate for us if that was the case.

Ok, perhaps potentially offensive, but I think it was an extremely realistic presumption. The way we are heading today, with all the emphasis on good English, and the influences of the UK and America, especially on the education system and our teaching syllabus, we are gradually distancing ourselves from our cultural roots.

For my family, I guess it was largely the strong influence of my Mom that has made my brother and I grow up in a very traditional Chinese setting. But amongst my peers today, who are some of the most brilliant, most educated youth in the country, the traditional values are not as strong. We become more westernised, westward looking.

I think it says a lot, that, upon reading Maxine Hong Kingston's The Woman Warrior, essentially a book describing the conflict within herself growing up under the strong influence of her traditional Chinese mother and the liberal American society, I find that I can identify quite strongly with some of the issues and conflicts that she grapples with.

This is not about China's rise as the next superpower. If we need to use that as a reason, if we learn Mandarin and Chinese culture today so that we can stay in touch with our Chinese peers who will one day influence the global economy, then I'm afraid we've lost sight of ourselves. What cultural identity we once possessed will be lost forever, replaced by the practical, economical and ruthless value of self-preservation and self-advancement; that we will only do things which would help us to get ahead in today's world. Where we come from will no longer hold any importance; what lies ahead becomes our sole focus.

Out, out and away
POSTED AT 10:40 PM

I didn't go back to camp today because I had to attend a meeting outside with some external sponsors. It's all part of our NDP preparations, and I was sent in place of my OC for the discussion. With me was another guy from my company - my stand-in coy 2IC. I was glad for his company, because he was a 自己人, and at least there would be someone there to back me up. What I was expected to know, he would know

I wouldn't say that I was unprepared. I had a fairly good idea of what was going on on my side. I had turned up at the last meeting - my very first time - rather unprepared, armed only with the bare essentials and a very incomplete picture of everything. Having been caught out in my ignorance the last time out, I was determined not to make the same mistake twice.

If you'd been there you would have caught us engaged in discussion in a very business-like manner, with all of us clustered around a very bureaucratic round meeting table, like a bunch of high power executives enjoying a top level discussion. In one corner were the representative (real) executives from the said external company; in the other were 01 x MAJ and 01 x CPT, Chairman and his Dy from another NDP committee; and finally me and my mate.

Is this what it is like in the business world? In the real world? I tried to imagine myself sitting on the other side of the table, dressed immaculately to the T with my neatly pressed long sleeve plus tie.

OK, to be honest I wasn't really engaged in the discussion. The serious discourse was flying back and forth between the MAJ and the executives. And I just sat there and listened. And I thought to myself, This is so surreal.

There I was, 19 years old, fresh out of OCS and not too long ago still a JC student, and I was expected to represent my entire committee to present their case to all of these well-paid professionals. How the hundreds of thousand dollars of sponsorship would be spent depended, well not totally, but at least, significantly, on the requests/demands that I would present to them. I wasn't used to this role at all.

I felt so out of place.

Even my mate was 6 years older than me and seemed more at home than I did in such an environment. I felt like I was suddenly thrust out of the bay of adolescence into the ocean of adulthood.

I guess when they say that being an officer makes you grow up, this is what they mean.

Yet, thinking about this later on, I realised that everything that I've just remarked merely expresses and reveals an erroneous paradigm.

Why shouldn't a 19 year old be worthy of taking on such responsibilities? In countries all over the world we read of 18 year olds bursting out in the spirit of entrepreneurship, making their mark on a world which otherwise seemed so unforgiving and harsh. It's only in sheltered societies like the one we have here that we are nurtured and protected from cradle until the last possible moment, when our parents can no longer hold our hand and bring us to the office to work.

And how are we expected to succeed like that? Where is the dynamism of youth and the independence of the new generation?

My only consolation is that I've been given the opportunity to learn, and to grow. It is a steep curve, but one that I've been thrown at, and there is little choice but to climb it. And I'm glad that I'm being forced to do it sooner rather than later.

Original Sin
POSTED AT 11:15 PM

you: why?
him: why?
her: why?

me: WHY?

booming voice from above:
There is no why, who ask you to be a cream puff??

Please...
POSTED AT 11:52 PM

Last week was a pretty busy week for me, comparatively. I went along for a full troop exercise conducted locally to gain some experience on the ground, which should prove invaluable in the future when my turn comes.

It's been quite a while since I've gone out field for a tactical exercise, and I think my body has started to forget that kind of feeling. Good that I'd the chance to do so this time, so as not to lose touch of the physical and mental conditioning. I'll be needing a lot of this come March.

Anyone can talk as much as they want in the comfort of camp, within the confines of civilization. Out field in the jungle, everything is very different. You start to see true characters emerge, true leaders and those who merely talk big. I'm glad that I've seen the truth early, because this will serve as ample warning for the future when it might turn out to be more critical. It's always important to know who you can trust and who you can't.

Starting to lose touch with my fitness. Time to get it back before it goes away totally!