Stranded
POSTED AT 12:17 AM

It's a strange feeling - somehow not wanting to go and sleep, even though it's starting to get late, I have to get up tomorrow early, and I'm actually quite tired.

So it has really ended. I think it's for the best. I hope it's for the best. I don't see any other way, any alternative, any way to carry on. I guess at times like this - "these of self-absorbed, morbid, introspective moments" we'll always find something lacking within ourselves.

It's only when you lose something that you start to value what you have.

They say that when one door of happiness closes, another will open. I'll be waiting.

All that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity.
POSTED AT 07:30 PM

I returned home this weekend to find my neighbour in mourning. A large tentage had been set up in their porch for the wake, and the white drapes all over the house exuded a certain sense of peacefulness and calm.

Not all partings are sad ones; some are merely and obviously the result of inevitability. Yet these are rare, for other partings usually take on a more tragic and unsettling nature.

Watching my neighbours go about their routine in and out of the tentage somehow conjured up echos of the past, memories that I endured painfully but swore never to forget. The wounds are no longer tender and raw, and while the feeling of emptiness and of loss has diminished over time, it has never gone away.

It is a feeling I would never forget. Life must go on, but somehow, as the pain of the loss is swallowed up in the mundane routine of the everyday as one day spills into another, it is a most unsettling feeling that grips you. The incongruity of it all, perhaps. Everything remains the same - same old house, same old routine, same old me - but undeniably something has changed, something which will never be the same again.

I'm gripped by an immense urge to shake everybody I see, to shake them awake from their reverie of routine and monotony, to proclaim to the world the pain and emptiness that grips me. But I can't. It's not like that.

I would never forget that sinking sensation within me. The sudden rush of blood to my head. The feeling of disbelief. The quiet acquiescence to everything, not accepting but just following. The pain.

I wouldn't wish this on anybody else, or on myself again. But it's bound to come, one day or another. There is no escape from it. My dad told me not to fear it, not to get angry, not to feel hurt. Just accept it for what it is, and move on. After all, life goes on.

Doesn't it? But things will never be the same again.

DAVIES. I can't get anywhere without a good pair of shoes, see?
POSTED AT 05:24 PM

Harold Pinter has been awarded the 2005 Nobel Prize for Literature, the highest honour available to any writer in the world. In announcing the award, Horace Engdahl, Chairman of the Swedish Academy, said that Pinter was an artist "who in his plays uncovers the precipice under everyday prattle and forces entry into oppression's closed rooms."
(http://http://www.haroldpinter.org/)

A friend of mine recently retook his GP paper to improve his score. GP - or general paper - is a GCE component which requires an exponential essay on one of twelve given topics.

We live in a science-and-math world, and for many of these triple-science students, GP provides them with the only contact with language, the only avenue for free flow expression and a break from the formulaic structure of Physics, Mathematics and the like.

Naturally, many find it a tough nut to crack. Hardly surprising, since they've trained themselves to adopt an analytical and structural view of the world around them. It's the inner engineer at work, and it certainly gets things done, because this is great for problem solving.

But of course it also burns the bridges to the humanities, which are centred on language, expression, and intangible concepts which refuse to be squeezed into formulas or general solutions.

It's a turn that our entire education system has chosen to take. The minority who consider themselves arts students of course are the exception, but the rest choose instead to specialise in the sciences; the structure of the subject lends a stabilising effect which leads to greater consistency and confidence.

Not without its benefits, this choice is. But I find the overdependence on it quite disturbing. Science students in my school outnumber arts students by more than 5 to 1. Evidently we are training up a new generation of doctors, engineers and architects, skilled and competant, yes, but who may have never held any opinion on the conflict of religion and culture, never read Shakespeare, never knew the struggles of one bespectacled Indian lawyer who brought the British empire to its knees.

And so when my friend came back from his paper, lamenting the lack of science as an essay topic, I was quite perturbed. It was quite appalling that even in a GP paper, with the freedom to right about almost everything on 12 topics, students sought out the science and math questions on which they could lay out the structure and expound on fixed concepts and general solutions. It was a logarithmic answer to the open question.

Even in venturing into the humanities they choose to fall back on the scientific and mathematical concepts which form the foundation of our education.

And I don't blame them. I don't blame my friend at all. After all, it is what they are most comfortable with. I hope it is not all that they are familiar with, but unfortunately that may lie true with a good deal of science students today.

Not to sound melodramatic, but perhaps it is the system which needs relooking. We as students in the classroom are little more than an inclined plane of little vessels then and there arranged in order, ready to have imperial gallons of facts poured into us until we are full to the brim. What these gallons of facts contain, we have no control over.

Murdering the Innocents, indeed. The head is not more native to the heart.

I wonder what Pinter's acceptance speech would be like. Probably full of menancing pauses and Beckett references.

After the end
POSTED AT 12:30 AM

My NS obligation ends on the 5th of November, 2006. Between that, and my matriculation date in August I have about 8 months of free time to spend. That is the biggest riddle now, and I think it is one that many of my peers share as well.

Everyone talks of going overseas: going travelling. Much as I'd love to, the money isn't going to come from nowhere. After spending 3 weeks in Germany, I've always wanted to see the rest of Europe for myself, especially Italy, but that's really going to cost me. I can't take from my parents for this one, they've enough to deal with already.

Work, of course, is always an option. Where, however, remains open. If I could extend my NS by maybe 3 or 4 months, maybe I would, depending on how much I enjoy my unit life next year. It's good money, and I think time meaningfully spent as well. Or I could fall back on MFA to give me an internship to last me through this gap period. I'm sure that would really provide me with a good insight into what I'm getting myself into.

Actually, if I had my way, I would prefer to spend the 8 months or so studying. My dream would be to be able to take up an immersion programme overseas, perhaps for a month or so, just to pick up a foreign language and experience a foreign culture. My time in Germany was a very positive experience for me, and it would really be nice if I could go through something similar again. Alternatively, I could enroll in a college course, either local or overseas. Of course for an overseas course, cost is always going to be a problem, but the idea is to take the opportunity of time to get exposure to topics which I would otherwise not have the time to learn about. Duke has said that they won't give me credit for it, and I certainly don't mind; it's more about the actual learning than the recognition that I care about. My uncle has offered to get me into a top Chinese university to perhaps do a summer attachment; that's actually more attractive than you might expect.

I don't know. It just seems prudent to start thinking about all of these issues now. It's never too early to plan.

So... options. And opportunities.

We now state with reverence and respect
POSTED AT 05:00 PM

I've got a big Christmas-festive season-End of year shopping list in mind. After everything that has happened I think I need to pamper myself a bit. I'm not too loaded at the moment, but the impending pay rise will definitely help to cushion the blow. I'm going to get my brother over in the States to buy back a whole load of stuff back, which, remarkably is cheaper over there. I mean, it's not everyday a brother comes back from overseas right?

So, here goes

The List

A new pair of football shoes. I've worn my old court shoes for so long that the soles have totally been rubbed away. I do have a new pair that I used for competition last year but they're a bit ill-fitting for ball-kicking.

A new pair of Levi's. I've never owned a pair in my life so I figured it's as good a time as any now to get myself one. I know they cost a princely three-figured sum in stores here but apparently they're much cheaper in NYC. So, why not?

Shorts. I keep wearing the same ones week in and week out because I don't have that many to work with. It'll be nice to get them cheap from maybe a bargain place. If only I'd gotten them while I was in Taiwan.

A nice warm jacket. Surely will come in handy. I can't imagine how I've made it through so long without one. The standard issue Goretex model doesn't really count!!

A sword case. Like I told my friends, I can't really just sheath the sword and throw it into my storeroom to collect dust right?

An mp3 player. Ahh, I've really delayed this purchase. I've wanted one for ages and ages but somehow never shrugged off the inertia or found a model that I really liked. The new video Ipod sure is inviting, but to be honest I don't really have any real use for the video feature. The big colour screen and the slimmer design is pretty attractive, however. And at under $400 for a 30GB model, why the hell not??

Books! Pity that I don't have any gift vouchers at the moment, but I"m counting on some End of the Year promotion sales. I'm looking for everything - trashy entertaining bestsellers, introspective non-fiction, perhaps a bit of self help as well, inspiring tales and beautiful classics. I'm planning to hit the second hand bookstores to see what gems I can uncover.

A classical guitar. Sometimes I'm just lazy to set up the electric. Plus it's nice to have something soft and serene to play with as well rather than the electric tones from the amp.

Incomparable to Jay 3CD set. Ok this doesn't really count because I just got it yesterday already. And at only $13. Altogether, with two of his other albums, $26. And all original. I mean, no point buying pirated versions when I can get the mp3s easily for free right?

A TS9DX. Maybe.

Ok barely 10 items but it is still a long list by my standards.

I still have no date for commissioning ball. I've no idea who to ask at all. And it's only three weeks away. I wouldn't say I'm desperate but I really don't know who to ask. Help!! I feel a bit like Harry Potter before the Yule Ball. Too bad he waited too long.

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As we approach 39 weeks, it's difficult not to look back on the way behind. It's been a remarkable experience, and yet the journey is only beginning.

2 weeks left. Come Saturday, see you on the parade square.