POSTED AT 07:10 PM

As I sit here on Sunday evening counting down the hours to go back in again, it's definitely with a heightened level of apprehension and uncertainty that I look forward to the week ahead.

Next week is pretty much a highlight week with two major activities - the first, platoon live firing, is THE most high risk activity of our entire 9 month course, not least because of the realism, enormous amount of coordination needed and the lack of structure on the ground itself. The second, is a defence exercise which is a suiting finale to the term. It's tough, it's exhausting, and it's difficult. I've tried my best to prepare myself mentally to be pushed to and beyond the limits of my physical endurance.

And with that comes our term to a close. From here on now we'll all be posted out yet again to various vocations to find our own little niches where we belong. AI's beckoning me already, and I really don't know what to expect there. I don't know why I opted for it; perhaps a (somewhat misguided) sense of adventure and desire for something different.

They say ill-fortune never arrives alone and I'd hate to become proof of that statement. But life likes to give you exactly what you hate. The last week's been quite tough for me on personal terms, even though we had a pretty light programme. In fact it's fortunate that it was light week, because I think I was pretty drained throughout. Of course you have to try your best to hide these things, even if friends are all around to support you sometimes you have to walk the path yourself.

I guess it's all a matter of putting things in perspective. I've always said that life's about making the most of what you have. And of course it's true, but it's definitely easier said than done. At this point in time I really don't know what I'm going to do, whether I should just accept things for what they are or whether I should go out and try to take things into my own hands.

Experience is the greatest teacher there is. And there's only one way to learn - sometimes the hardest way.

Of rising and falling
POSTED AT 10:30 PM

I don't know how to put it, but there's always that nagging feeling at the back of my head that spoils everything. When I'm down I try to cheer myself up; when I'm happy the doubt lingers around in the background - just out of grasp but definitely present.

Last night's social night wasn't too bad. Even out of camp, and in the presence of all our various dates, we could still hit it off pretty decently. I think these guys that I call my mates now are some of the closest pals that I've made in the army - definitely much closer than anything back in BMT or SISPEC. I would love to say it's because this is where I really fit in, but then again that wouldn't be the truth, because I've never really fit in totally - I never do. But definitely I think it has a lot to do with all the shared memories that we had together, be it platoon field camp, ICT or Spade.

Speaking of Spade, I think I've really learned a lot about myself during the three day two nights that we spent alone together. It's always hard to push yourself to your physical limits without mental strength, and even harder when there's no sleep or long extended break to look forward to to keep you going. I guess for me the worse part of Spade was the first night when Eugene and I were struggling to finish our fire trench - both of us so exhausted already by the entire day's exertion and yet knowing all too well that even after finishing the trench there would be no sleep break to rejuvenate our wasted bodies; but instead another one and a half days of non-stop work, digging and misery.

Times like this are really great for self-reflection; for me all that was going through my mind as I tried to numb the pain and the exhaustion were random tunes stuck in my head like a broken record.

Only one other experience in my life is well capable of taking me right to the highs and lows of my emotional capability, and sometimes it can be really trying. Exhausting, yes, depressing, often but rewarding, definitely. It's just that sometimes I lose track of the big picture and get stuck in the minor trivial details which don't matter but often seem to. It's like a vicious cycle of poverty that we're all stuck in because we're just too short-sighted or stubborn to recognise that there is a world out there that is begging for us to live in and experience.

With the end of one phase comes the start of another. Next week would be the 8th week that I spend at SAFTI, and probably the last for at least the next few months. I can't decide whether I'm happy or sad to go, but I'm posting out to Signals within the week. It's not my first choice - or even my second, for that matter. All my friends are heading for AI, which is where I'd opted to be as well.

Of course there's always that feeling of being left out, of being left behind, even if signals might just prove to be a much more comfortable life than any of the other vocations. I'll be sad to see them go, as we take our separate ways. But since when was army not about camaraderie and friendship? I think I left both of them behind at the same time as I left the infantry corps behind.

For the many friends not together with me at OCS, I think I really must make the effort to keep in touch, and to see each other once in a while. Having gotten used to seeing each other almost every day, I'm starting to miss them quite a bit after this prolonged period of absence.

Next week we'll be getting our third bar already. I really hope that the ceremony will be able to force me to truly appreciate the significance of the moment, and relate it to everything that is happening around me. Because it's very confusing at the moment. I'm almost looking forward to spending the next 10 days in Brunei, come next Sunday.

Almost.

Feeling: moody

Borneo
POSTED AT 09:58 PM

I'll be away to Brunei for 10 days. I'm sure I'll have lots of stories to tell when I get back.

The past few days have been some of the more enjoyable times so far this year. I just hope good times continue to blossom and we can all carry on like that.

That which in him was faire and delicate,
Was but the milke, which in loves childish state
Did nurse it : who now is growne strong enough
To feed on that, which to'disus'd tasts seemes tough

19 years old now. Better start acting like it.